which hand?

Eh. I’m at that awkward stage of my “trying to teach my friends a lesson” phase.

On the one hand, I’m eager to see how long it takes for them to realise we haven’t been in contact in the ages.

On the other, it’s been a while now and with each passing day I feel more and more forgettable and unimportant.

 

Daddy Issues/Friend Problems

I seriously advocate not making too big of a fuss over things. For example, I’m angry at some of my friends. But I’m not going to tell them what’s bothering me. A part of me knows I’m probably overreacting, so why tell them? I’ll just come out of the whole situation looking crazy. Instead I’ll just let the anger fester. Unhealthy? Perhaps – but at least I don’t look crazy (possible side effects: actually becoming crazy).

The more serious example is my father. Now my parents got divorced when I was five or six years-old. No real biggie since my father was away a lot on business trips and I never really saw him. I guess I didn’t really understand what was going on. The last time I saw my dad was when I was eight or nine, post Hong Kong handover. My father fully stopped supporting my family (ceased paying maintenance, school fees) without telling us, and he claimed he was unemployed (this is a man with a PhD mind you). From then on the only contact I had with him was monthly emailed updates. I changed my email address to stop communication when I realised that my sister and I were getting the exact same emails without any personalisation. Blahblahblah (this is much too long and complicated for the average reader). Long story short, I have seen my father once in the past ten years. It was a couple of years ago for my grandfather’s funeral. He didn’t recognise me. Communication has completely stopped.

Now I could whine and complain about how men are bastards and my daddy didn’t love me. But what would that achieve? I’ve grown up now, into my own person, and he missed it and had no part in it. It’s sad, but it’s entirely his loss. Things have been hard, but I’m happy.

And so, this leads into my friend. Who’s father remarried a few years ago and now she has a happy little (actually she’s quite fat) younger sister. Now my friend keeps on complaining about how her dad seems to ignore her lately, and he seems more preoccupied with his “new family”. But my outlook is, obviously his definition of a good father is different. he’s worked hard and sent my friend to a very good school. Yes, he’s a bit impersonal, but he’s fulfilled what he sees as his duty as a father. The main thing about it is, if you don’t plan on addressing the issue why complain about it?

Which then leads me to: I should shut the fuck up about how my friends bug me.

 

And Again…

My friends are annoying me again! Why does this always happen?! They’re annoying me because no one’s made an attempt to contact me in the past week. I haven’t seen my bestfriend in over two weeks and she’s done nothing about it! She only calls me to ask for me to tell her where to take a specific bus to go somewhere. Like I’m a freaking directory! It’s like this in the UK as well. She only calls me to try and get me to help her with her Management coursework. I don’t even go to her university. Or take Management for that matter! How am I supposed to help?!

So I either feel insignificant or used. Or both.

Another reason why I want to go back to the UK.

 

All I Do Is Complain

So I complain a lot about my lack of a social life, but at the end of the day I don’t want to go out.

I get home from work and I’m exhausted, my back hurts… The last thing on my mind is going out to a stingy little club and feel awkward because I’ve temporarily stopped drinking and have work the next day.

But then I feel bad, because I’m not spending any time with my friends and I’m not going to meet any new people cooped up in my flat all night.

I don’t understand how people juggle work and nights out. That said though, my current job consists mainly of manual labour (by that I mean mopping, fucking mopping).

I can’t wait till I get my desk job.

(Finally, I just watched a few episodes of the Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Season 2. How much do I want to BE Billie Piper?! I am so jealous, reeking of envy even)

 

It is hot

I think the heat is slowly killing me.

It is suffocating.

I am constantly exhausted.

I want to go back to the UK now.

 

Last Night

Last night I went out for the first time in ages.

And guess who I met?

The son of my mother’s boyfriend.

Except since he’s still married to his wife, making my mother technically his mistress, I stood there thinking “oh my god” while he just thought I was a random girl his friend knew.

 

I am bored

I am dying for a social life. So far my life has just consisted of work, which is fun. But I want to go out! Late at night! I want to meet new people! I want to see old friends that I only seem to bump into in clubs.
I’ve stopped drinking, that doesn’t mean I’m dead inside.
Someone! Please! Invite me out!!

 

I am terrible at updating regularly

 

A Change of Heart

Actually I love my friends. Although sometimes I want to slap them, they really do know how to make me happy.

My birthday was wonderful in it’s own understated way.

 

sometimes i hate my friends

So I want to have a birthday party

Not all of my friends are back from
Uni yet, so let’s scrap that.

I won’t celebrate my birthday.

What the hell is wrong with you? Oh but you must,
let’s have dinner on your birthday.

Okay fine, we’ll have dinner on my birthday.

Let’s have it at McDonalds!

Are you serious? Okay, whatever.
It’ll be fun. So long as we’re with friends.

Wait. Coco Avant Chanel is out now,
why not we watched that? We all want to see it.

No! Anne’s not back yet! We can’t watch it without Anne.

(It is my FUCKING birthday! Who cares about Anne?!)

Fine. Okay. We’ll just go to McDonalds.

(Even though I don’t eat meat.)

Oh but McDonalds makes me feel ill. I don’t want to go.

( … )

Why the fuck isn’t the Birthday girl having any input in this?

( )

Where is she?

Why isn’t she replying?

What the fuck is happening?

(You all know I’m at work)

(How hard is it to call me?)

(Text me?)

(Take the time to contact me?)

(Happy birthday to me.)